Maria Shriver invited me to write an article for her website in 2012 about my personal story of grief and hope.  I am reposting it here as it is no longer on her website.

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We are now in full swing of the holiday season. This time of year is dear to my heart and I do my best to embrace the joyful moments this season brings, but I can’t help looking back on what used to be.

It is a time when the emotional wound I carry begins to bleed again.

On Christmas Eve 2008, my life changed forever. My sister’s ex-husband entered my parents’ home — the home in which I grew up — and committed one of the most heinous crimes ever known.

He disguised himself as Santa Claus and attempted to take all of our lives, including my husband’s and two daughters’, during our family’s Christmas Eve Party in Covina, California.

This monster used several 9 millimeter semi-automatic weapons and an incendiary device in an attempt to kill everyone in his path.

On this night, I lost nine of my dearest family members and my daughter (age 8 at the time) received a gunshot wound to the face.

My seventeen year old niece was also shot in her lower back. Other family members suffered injuries trying to escape.

The explosion and fire destroyed the entire home. In an instant, my family and parents were gone. Thirteen of my nieces and nephews had lost one or both parents.

There are no words that can express what we endured that night and what we would have to endure for the rest of our lives.

To know that I would never see my mother, father, two sisters, two brothers, two sisters-in-law and my nephew again was unthinkable, indescribable and unimaginable to me.

I was the youngest of 5 children and now I’m the only one left.

It is far beyond words having to lose my parents and siblings all at once and to know that someone’s wrath is the reason they are not here.

But even having suffered this tragedy, I am determined to not allow evil to win and take over my life with anger and despair.

Instead, I choose to honor my nine beautiful angels by living for them, accepting this chapter of my life with love and grace, embracing my role as matriarch of the family, and giving hope to those who are grieving.

Many things have contributed to my healing. Faith is one of them. I honestly don’t know what my life would be like if I didn’t have God by my side.

It is because of God’s love I am able to appreciate all my blessings. Even during the hardest days, I trusted Him to guide me with strength so I could be the light of hope for my family, friends and community.

With that trust, I was able to open my heart and use the tools within myself to find ways to heal and move forward.

From the moment the tragedy occurred, our story aired on national and world news. People began to reach out. The support we received from family, friends and communities all over the world was overwhelming.

We were blessed to have so many people reach out in our time of need. We can’t thank everyone enough for their support.

Days after the tragedy, two representatives from Victims Of Crime (a state program that provides financial support and resources to victims of violent crimes) came to our home.

This program paid for funeral expenses and provided compensation for counseling services. We were grateful beyond measure.

With their support I have been able to receive therapy from an amazing psychologist, Dr. Tim Collister. He has been my biggest cheerleader and my constant supporter. He has helped me with my waves of depression, grief and post-traumatic stress.

In April 2011, I was invited to share my story at the Victim’s Rights Symposium in California. It was the first time I spoke publicly about our family tragedy.

I felt this was an opportunity to let Victims of Crime and local communities know how thankful we were to receive their support. It also gave me an opportunity to pay tribute to my family and give hope to other victims.

After my speech, I was humbled by the response. It was very emotional for me to stand in front of a few hundred people and share our family story of loss. But that afternoon I believe God empowered me to keep sharing, and I have chosen to do so.

It has been almost four years since the tragedy. I look back and still can’t believe my nine angels are gone. I also look back and see how far our family has come. I am so proud of each one of them. I am thankful for all of their love and support.

Christmas Eve 2008 rocked me to the core, but it did not break me. I have a new appreciation for life and I do my best to embrace every moment and surround myself with people that want the same.

My journey has not been easy, but I look forward to what God has in store for me. I feel positive it will be filled with love, good times and new adventures. I believe with faith, love and grace we have the ability to overcome adversity and transcend all evil.

If you have recently been through a loss or traumatic event it may seem like the road is long, but there is hope. I cannot tell you what your grief will be like because I am not you.

However, I believe with your own inner spirit you will find the tools to help you get through this difficult time.

Many people can grieve in different ways, at different times and in different stages. My grief came in waves. Because my loss was a traumatic one, I had to also work on feelings of post-traumatic stress and anxiety.

My body experienced a full load of everything moments after the tragedy. I was in shock at first, so I couldn’t cry immediately. When I finally had the ability to release my tears, it was like a wave…or more like a tsunami!  Some scientists say that crying releases a stress hormone. I believe it.

It was also hard for me to ask for help. I learned that pushing myself didn’t work well and only backfired with more feelings of anxiety and stress. I had to remind myself that I was in my “wave” and that these feelings would pass unless I chose to stay there.

Here are a few of my suggestions for coping with grief. Please, be mindful of your own grieving process.

• Honoring your loved one during holidays and celebrations. If you just share happy stories about your loved one, you are already honoring them. Light a candle, plant a tree, or release balloons.
• Be sensitive to yourself and care for you. Don’t push yourself to get all those daily tasks done. Wait for a day you feel a bit stronger.
• Be “real” with your feelings and emotions. If you need to cry, do it. By allowing yourself to be honest with your grief, those around you can do the same. You may find comfort in knowing someone else needed to cry, too.
• Reach out. It is not always easy to ask for help. It is important to communicate what your needs are. No one is a mind-reader, so ask for support, even if you just want company or a hug.
• Talk to a mental health professional or spiritual leader. You may not feel comfortable sharing all your feelings of grief with your friends or loved ones. Consulting with a mental health professional or spiritual leader may help you with the different stages of grief and any unresolved issues that could exacerbate your grief or vice versa.
• Give yourself time to heal. There are different stages of grief you may experience at different times. Be patient with yourself and others that may be grieving alongside you. Each relationship shared with the loved one lost is uniquely their own. Respect their grief process and yours.
• Bereavement groups are also helpful. Get information about the facilitator and class before attending. You may find that meeting other grievers is comforting. Or you may find it to be too difficult if you are not ready. Grief groups are not for everyone.
• Follow your faith. Believe in yourself and pray for healing and grace to get you through. God makes miracles happen. Even small ones. Be thankful for all.
• Pamper yourself with love and nurture your spirit. Surround yourself with positive people. If you are not in the mood to be social, then find a place in your home that brings you peace and meditate or pray. Exercise. Take a walk. Open the curtains and let the light in.

I want to thank Maria for giving me this opportunity to share my story with you.

I am humbled and honored to be able to enter your life for a moment and give you a bit of hope…even through the hardest of hard times.